is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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