This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
