Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
