if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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