last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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