im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
