I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize