Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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