I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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