Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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