ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
