I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize