i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
