It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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