He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
