There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
