I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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