it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
