I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
