Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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