My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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