haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
