Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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