I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize