The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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