He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
