Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
