just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
