I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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