I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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