just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
