Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
