Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
