I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Acid is not a monday night drug
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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