She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
