You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
