Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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