I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
