I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
