Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
