Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
