There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
