She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
