Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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