how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
