In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize