onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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