Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
