I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
