Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
