So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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