I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
