i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
