my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
