just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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