I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
