I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
