He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
