Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I will be naked everywhere
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i think im in europe. pls send help
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
