there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
